I’m so sorry for being a bad writer. I get ‘the fear’ you see… fear that the fizzy ideas in my head, that take the form of hundreds of notes in my phone, and inky scribbles in my moleskin notebooks, are not good enough. I have some wonderful posts on this blog, If I do say so myself – pieces of writing I am really proud of: a favourite being Note to future dating self. I worry that the next piece of writing will not come so easily, or read so emotively.
As I write, I learn more about who I am. The art of writing down my thoughts, calcifies them, ascertains and rounds up the heartfelt, the angry, the stories, the beauty product loves, and the completely silly. These ideas stare back at me, stark words on a glaring screen – ordered and clear, articulating the furore of information firing through my prefrontal cortex, and firing through my soul.
Creativity is a very intangible thing; more often than not, I work in fits and bursts of excitement and sentences that form so fluidly like a sploshing choppy river, racing through my mind, and out of my fingers onto the keyboard. Other times, I have hot, effervescing ideas shut down by frozen, still, fear. I worry these ideas will not materialise as I hoped, not be well written enough, interesting enough and without the time to shape and edit these faceless ideas… my fear grows.
Enough fear. Go away.
I’ve just had a bath, on a Saturday night. I was supposed to be going out on the lime soda razz #nonalcoholiclife, but after a few tough weeks at work, I am relaxing. Glandular Fever taught me that I cannot live at 100mph all the time. So, when I need to be still, I stop and breathe, I get comfy and usually have a bubble bath filled with expensive potions that smell as lovely as my buttery skin feels. After this bath, I started to write… about my fear to write.
The past few months have been a complete whirlwind… I casually became a professional dancer last week, quit my job, started freelancing, entered the world of advertising, went on a little creative ideation trip to Rome, applied lots of makeups, presented my work to some huge brands, did a sold-out talk at Shoreditch House, started writing more, but sadly not on here. In a nutshell, I did a lot of growing – also known to Kylie Jenner as “realising”.
I hope my blog becomes a place of more frequent, vivid and colourful thoughts, painted generously with words and pictures. Sorry appreciated person who reads my blog, for slipping on the frequency of my posts… they will come.