This blog post should be read whilst listening to a mash-up of Britney Spears – I’m Not A Girl Not Yet a Woman, with Beyonce – Grown Woman. The former representative of my late teens/ early twenties, and the latter is now.
I’m not gonna lie, my mid twenties honestly feel very much like being a student; still characterised by terrible behaviour, being hungover on a… Monday, “so done!!” with the week by Wednesday, and laugh-crying at the absurd shit that flashes up on my phone, but often now in very “serious” meetings… lets blame the creators of Snapchat and Whatsapp for that. Now at 25, this mischief is no longer marred by the feelings of uncertainty and self-doubt it once did… it is calcified by a terrifying sense of pity for anyone who, for example, pushes in front of me in a Monica Vinader sample sale queue. May their GOD help them.
So funnily enough I was thinking the other day about how much I’ve grown up over the past couple of years. Here is my definitive list of – You know you are getting old when you…
- Cook stews, curries, lasagna’s etc and then place even sized portions into freezer bags and freeze.
- Freak out when you have made something amazing and don’t have any freezer bags left.
- Stumble into your flat from a spontaneous night out, absolutely shitfaced and TAKE OUT food from the freezer so it can DEFROST and become your dinner the following evening. Terrifying isn’t it.
- Pack another pair of party feet gel pads and strip of plasters into your bag, because you will not be followed around the dance floor by a bouncer ordering you to put your heels back on. That only happens to inexperienced 18 year olds who want to get another Tetanus jab.
- Find art and interior design shops as exciting as you used to find Topshop. I can’t remember the last time I went into Topshop.
- Then spend all of your disposable income for the month on gorgeous pieces of furniture.
- No longer care what other people think. Genuinely. Not what they think about your clothing choices or penchant for creative porn-star inspired makeup on a Monday morning, because you woke up far too early. Don’t care.
- Can spot a douchebag from a hundred paces away. No matter how devilishly handsome or charming he is. You can smell the Chlamydia when he pays for the drink YOU ordered for yourself and your girls.
- Have a chilli plant in your kitchen and point at it proudly, with a smug grin when feeding someone a homemade spicy dish.
- Don’t count calories, instead you question whether or not your lunch will provide enough sustainable energy for 2 gym classes and 3 meetings with people you hate at work today? If the answer is no, get the giant Itsu Postu because the regular sized Potsu just won’t cut it.
- Don’t count calories, instead you think, will this make me feel bloated?
- Increasingly, with age, the answer to above question is yes.
- Realise that with each passing year, the only person who cares about your general appearance, dress sense and weight… is you. None of your friends or family care per se, they are just merely but genuinely concerned for your health and happiness. Making 5lbs neither here nor there.
- Significantly reduce the time and preparation spent getting ready for a date. Years of dating men has taught you that they only know the difference between some effort and no effort. Therefore perfectly winged eyeliner goes COMPLETELY unappreciated, but can take up to 20 minutes. Don’t do it; you will never get that time back.
- Are unable to name 90% of the top 40 music chart.
- Have the capital and justification for spending a considerable sum on a pair of shoes, jeans or other wardrobe staple, where previously you just thought – FUCK that’s expensive, but now, you assess the COST PER WEAR and only buy “investment pieces”. Think DVF dresses, Stuart Weitzman heels… clever woman you.
- Consider all of life’s expenses in relation to your council tax bill.
- Feel elation for your bright yet unassuming girlfriends who are now the first generation of women to land awesome jobs and pay, trumping some of the signet ring wearing, self-entitled, ego-inflated males at uni who thought they were hitting the big time by virtue of having a penis and being arrogant.
- Freak out when you realise that 2012 was not last month, it was three years ago.
Hope some of these made you LOL. x